When I first realized my child was being bullied in school, I believed our problem could be solved swiftly. I assumed adults in positions of power would support the targeted child, teach the aggressors to be kinder, and coach peers to stand up to future playground injustice.

Unfortunately, none of this happened. My child endured repeated attacks while the school head denied the existence of bullying of any kind, despite numerous witness accounts. It felt like he was more worried about public image than the well-being and safety of children.

So, we pleaded with the school board to help, but trustees responded with a crushing letter that warped facts and turned the table on our child. I wondered if they were preparing for a court fight when they suggested our daughter’s learning differences made her incapable of determining if she’d been mistreated or not. Illogically, they then suggested that if she had been mistreated, her differences were most likely the root cause…that she perhaps deserved any abuse she might have received.

A senior staff member also declared that our child needed to stay clear of one of the students who had taunted her for months (and whose father was a trustee). Apparently, this student was “sensitive” and, therefore, the one in need of protection.

The experience was mind-bending until I came across Dr. Freyd’s research. Her acronym “DARVO” neatly described the ways the school Denied our accounts, Attacked my family, and Reversed the roles of Victim and Offender. I had spent months reading all I could about bullying, but it was Dr. Freyd’s work on DARVO, Institutional Betrayal, and Institutional Courage that provided the most clarity and validation. Her team offered the language I needed to articulate and surface the truths buried deep in my bones. Without her important work, it would have been easier to gaslight me into accepting the school’s narrative, thereby negating my own judgment and sense of sanity.

In time, I came to understand something crucial: while several peers initially wronged my child, it was the institutional response that was the most devastating. School leaders could have helped a vulnerable student, but instead, they victim-shamed her and suggested she was unworthy of dignity or belonging. We experienced firsthand how some adults won’t care for a child in need and how an entire institution can be complicit in her pain.

The mental health effects of this kind of abandonment were…and remain…significant. Our child developed such serious anxiety that she resisted going to school or even leaving home. She also began to question the value of her own life. I will never forget the fear on her face or throughout my body as she told me what she was considering. She was eight.

I once believed trauma is only experienced in extreme contexts like war or rape, but I now understand that it can surface in seemingly innocuous environments, like offices, hospitals, and yes, even places of worship and schools. While victimization can happen anywhere, the anguish is regularly exacerbated, often drastically, when an entire community fails to help or, worse, covers up the truth. Apathy and duplicity like this – i.e. Institutional Betrayal – can cause the injured parties to doubt the existence of basic goodness and humanity and can trigger deep despair. After all, if the organizations designed to protect us don’t care, who will?

I am beyond grateful that Dr. Freyd created the Center for Institutional Courage to help individuals, including children, feel supported rather than further betrayed in their times of greatest need. Advances in this body of research will surely enable organizations to embody missions that are both prosperous and humane for the betterment of us all.

Kayla Taylor shared this experience in her book Canaries Among Us: A Mother’s Quest to Honor Her Child’s Individuality in a Culture Determined to Negate It.